All posts by 11secondsbeforesunset

Stop Saying “That’s So Gay!” — Six Microaggressions That Hurt

Great Article. I have many people in my life who use this expression and it drives me insane at the lack of awareness people have. I am re-blogging this to help raise awareness…

Psychology Benefits Society

Sad Asian teenage boy

By Kevin L. Nadal, PhD (Associate Professor of Psychology, John Jay
College of Criminal Justice – City University of New York)

When I was a little kid, I used to hear my brothers, cousins, and friends say things like “That’s so gay!” on a pretty regular basis. I would usually laugh along, hoping with all my might that they didn’t know my secret.  My parents and other adults in my life would tell me things like “Boys don’t cry” or “Be a man!” which essentially was their way of telling me that being emotional was forbidden or a sign of weakness.

When I was a teenager, there were a few boys at my high school who ridiculed me, almost everyday. When I walked by them in the halls, they called me a “faggot” or screamed my name in a flamboyant tone.  I learned to walk by without…

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It’s ok to LOOK at the mind right in the eyes.

Just when we think…. life couldn’t be more happy and free and go so smooth…. we come face to face with a situation we dont like, one that feels like nothing we deserve or want to deal with.. This is how we become acquainted with the mind. The mind that can take us from bliss to broken all in a matter of seconds.  Well so can life, but isnt all in the way we handle it? Is it all an illusion anyway? Just the perceptions we place around all our thoughts of how we want things to go and when life doesn’t go our way, we have a choice. We can allow it to break us, or we can acknowledge that life isn’t necessarily about getting what we want, when we want it. There is a bigger plan, one we can’t identify with in the midst of bliss or our broken states. To remain OPEN in difficult times is quite possibly the biggest challenge but yet produce the greatest of rewards … We become enlightened when our hearts remain open to whatever comes in our direction.  Sounds totally insane doesn’t it? To think that the end of our suffering is to stare it in the eyes…

to just sit with our feelings and allow them. To find our utt most TRUTH… 
We are all guilty of letting our down
moments  get the best of us.  But when we realize that most everything we think is simply an illusion anyway, we can’t go wrong when we give space to learn about how we truly feel. 
I believe that at the core of our emotional responses to most everything is learned behavior we acquired over our lifetimes.  Like when things get tough we lash out in anger, or drown our sorrows with booze, or run from the issues, hide awhile. Distract with books and movies.. There are so many things we do, NOT to feel, in fact we will go out of our way to end it as soon as possible.  Push it away, and maybe, just maybe it won’t come back. 
However playing that game will keep us stuck, making the same mistakes over and over again.  But if we open to how we feel, we might find that what we thought we felt, isn’t at all truth.  The heart and path way to an enlightened self is unrelenting confrontation with our own psychological shortcomings..


Seemed the best day to start my First blog . I don’t even know what blog means…. But I personally think journal is a more elegant word, I suppose journaling has a personal feel to the word, perhaps that is why this blog word came about. Blogging is to mean words shared to help heal each other. It’s what I am going to go with as it’s meaning. So many have asked me to start a blog for a long time now… some have asked me to write a book…..To share my experience of this world, some say that my words touch them in a way that helps the experiencing of their worlds by bringing connectedness of the whole, that we all share, just in different ways. I claim to know….NOTHING, and I am certainly no expert, but I do have a pretty good handle on my own experience in my 39 years of life…

11 years ago, right this moment, I was signing paperwork authorizing brain surgery after brain surgery. My world was just at the beginning of what became my experience of what it means to lose everything I held so dear. My TRUTH for the term ” your world has just been turned upside down.” Was coming into light.

As the rug was slowly being pulled out from underneath me, my 5 year old son and our families, my husband Matthew, was fighting for his life in an ICU bed….while laying in a coma. The number 11 has had good and bad significance to me even as a child. I was born on the 11th. My first basketball jersey was 11, as I got older the number 11 seemed to be showing itself to me in ways I prefer not to go into now… But here it is again…. 11th year without him, it seems to be holding true that the number 11 is showing itself again tonight and my feeling of loss is deep, cutting and painful.

When we lose a person we love, we lose a piece of ourselves. That remains true and will for the rest of our lives. Whether that is a loss from death, or divorce, separation, estrangement…. loss is loss. But if we allow it to consume us, if we allow it to cause our hearts to shut the door on feeling deeply again, we lose ourselves …completely. There is no time limit on loss… Time just doesn’t exist when a soul leaves us to move on to their afterlife, leaving us here on Earth to experience life without them…. The ones who leave before us, well, their work is done here and it becomes powerfully evident that our work has just begun.

I let my loss consume me. It ate me alive for years, 10 to be exact. Not many know this, because it was a quiet consumption, one I kept to myself, hidden from the world. My Buddhist Practice has beenn a big help along the way AND….Thankfully I had a child to raise, to keep it together for, otherwise I can only guess what my fate would have been. I am blessed that my child in a sense has also raised me as I have him. He is my life, my world. He shines bright, making me laugh and bringing to my life comedy relief when all I want to do is cry. There are so many things he gets from me….. But there isn’t one single day that has gone by that he is doesn’t RADIATE Matthew. Matt lives thru our son…. And that right there had been enough LOVE that keeps me going, keeps me on track and keeps me from falling completely apart.

This past year, I have let completely GO of so many things, people, self doubt, self preservation, ego, judgements, societal bullshit. I entered a space in time where it became ok to completely dissolve into whatever I felt or didn’t feel…. I allowed myself to say good bye to a couple of big losses and what came from it was even more self love, love in general for the human sprint and soul. My love of GOD is so strong that most of my fears and anxieties have dissipated. I finally fully let Matthew go, I did this out of love for him and for myself in equal parts. He is no longer bound to me in the Earthly sense that I held him for so long. He soars higher and freer than ever, which in the same aspect so have I. We all deserve to be FREE…. Free from the suffering we create for ouselves.

Loss. Letting GO…. Is as essential to our learning, our growing, as all the bright sunshiny days. As tough as it is, if we allow for grieving, allow ourselves to FEEL, to LOVE, to EXPERIENCE life even in our darkest hours…… Our hearts open. We open to all the possibilities that make life beautiful. No matter how deep your heart breaks….no matter the loss…..It’s crucial to let the light IN……Only always. It’s what grows our soul.

God Bless,